Monday, September 5, 2011

Some Days....

How is it that you can be surrounded by people and feel so completely and utterly alone. Your heart can ache so badly that it feels as though it would break, and the quiet around me that usually brings me serenity is somehow deafening with the thoughts of complete worthlessness swimming through my head. I am so tired, so very, very tired.  Tired of fighting.  Fighting a disease that seems to be boundless, fighting with a child who knows everything, and fighting with a husband who is himself tired. 

During the first part of the journey, I was so filled with positive energy from all sides of me.  It was amazing.  It is this middle ground I am having trouble with.  My needs are not less, just different.  While I try to stand on my own feet again, I realize I am in completely unfamiliar water.  I am not the same person – the person who felt I knew what I wanted and could move forward with confidence that I could accomplish it.  I try to make decisions, but I am bombarded with questions and seeds of doubt enter my mind.  I second guess myself, and inevitably give up.  I am not moving forward, but sadly I cannot stand still.  So the current is taking me whithersoever it wants.

Many of the things I felt sure of, have become unfamiliar to me.  I am humbled to recognize that I am not such a good friend, nor am I a very good mother or wife.  I have read so many places that having experienced something like cancer you begin to look at your life differently.  You become less concerned with the small stuff.  I think it must have worked in reverse for me. 

Alas, tomorrow is a new day!

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