Chemo Cleaning

“God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs.” - Spencer W. Kimball.  Sometimes in life we are blessed beyond our wildest dreams.  Amazingly it doesn’t have to be grand gestures or elaborate gifts.   It is the small, and sometimes not so small, acts of service that can make all the difference in someone’s life. 

My mom didn’t feel comfortable taking me to chemo.  I would often get sick, and it was too hard for her. So, during my five months of chemo, I was blessed to have she and my mother-in-law come each week and clean my house.  Every Monday as I would go to Jacksonville, they would meet at my house and clean.  They would vacuum and mop, do my laundry, and change my linens so that when I returned home I could crawl into a clean bed.  I was also blessed by two dear friends who would come and clean for me during this time as well.  They cleaned bathrooms, windows, and even bathed my dog! I cannot begin to express how much this meant to my family. 

Often it is easier to serve a friend in need than to allow them to serve us, but during this time I took all the help I could get.  My mother-in-law happily referred to it as “Monday Chemo Cleaning”, but to me it was much more.

Breast Biopsy

The word biopsy can immediately evoke serious anxiety.  We’ve all heard the word before, and we usually associate it with cancer.  Well, we at least know they are looking for something that isn’t normal, and in our minds, that can’t be good. 

I am the type of person that needs to mentally prepare myself for something like this.  Birthday surprises are fun, but a biopsy – maybe not so much.   There are several different types of biopsies that your surgeon may perform to get a sample of your breast tissue, and each one is a little, or a lot, different.  Be sure you know what type before you get there.   Knowing in advance will give you an opportunity to look it up and feel somewhat more comfortable with the procedure.

I had three different biopsies done; an ultrasound guided core needle biopsy, a stereotactic biopsy, and an MRI guided biopsy.  Each of these were very different.  I feel I should also tell you all that I am a little needle-phobic, so my stress level grew from biopsy to biopsy.  All of which were performed within a few weeks. You may be wondering why I had to have three biopsies. After my mammogram and ultrasound (which were performed back to back on the same day), I was scheduled with a local surgeon to take a biopsy of my tumor.  The first, the core needle biopsy, actually bounced off the tumor and took tissue from the surrounding area.  Luckily my surgeon knew that was most likely the case and scheduled me for the stereotactic biopsy the following week.  This biopsy was successful, but with additional tests (MRI with contrast) we discovered a lump in my other breast.  At this point we were unable to see the margins clearly enough to take an accurate biopsy using ultrasound, so I was scheduled for an MRI guided biopsy. 

I could try to explain my experience with these, but I think the following web pages  and videos do a better job than I would.

Types of Breast Biopsies

MRI Guided Breast Biopsy

Sometimes you Need to See It!

Disclosure

Sunday was, for whatever reason, a particularly off day for me.  I wrote down my feelings that evening, but didn’t really want to post them to the blog.  Then today I thought; “If I’m going to do this, then I need to be honest”.  And honestly, not every day is a walk in the park.   We all have ups and downs, and I hope some of you have a flicker of hope knowing you are not alone in that.  Luckily for me the low days are not so often and the good days are getting better.

Some Days....

How is it that you can be surrounded by people and feel so completely and utterly alone. Your heart can ache so badly that it feels as though it would break, and the quiet around me that usually brings me serenity is somehow deafening with the thoughts of complete worthlessness swimming through my head. I am so tired, so very, very tired.  Tired of fighting.  Fighting a disease that seems to be boundless, fighting with a child who knows everything, and fighting with a husband who is himself tired. 

During the first part of the journey, I was so filled with positive energy from all sides of me.  It was amazing.  It is this middle ground I am having trouble with.  My needs are not less, just different.  While I try to stand on my own feet again, I realize I am in completely unfamiliar water.  I am not the same person – the person who felt I knew what I wanted and could move forward with confidence that I could accomplish it.  I try to make decisions, but I am bombarded with questions and seeds of doubt enter my mind.  I second guess myself, and inevitably give up.  I am not moving forward, but sadly I cannot stand still.  So the current is taking me whithersoever it wants.

Many of the things I felt sure of, have become unfamiliar to me.  I am humbled to recognize that I am not such a good friend, nor am I a very good mother or wife.  I have read so many places that having experienced something like cancer you begin to look at your life differently.  You become less concerned with the small stuff.  I think it must have worked in reverse for me. 

Alas, tomorrow is a new day!

A Few Good Laughs

Sometimes you forget how something so simple can be such a big deal.

I am a fairly positive person and try not to think to hard about all the crazy things going on in my life.  Not because I don’t take them serious or anything, but because if I think to hard or too long, I will just fall apart.  A very sweet friend I met during my radiation treatment said to me one day; “My mother keeps telling me I don’t have to be Little Miss Happy Sunshine all the time, but I told her that if I wasn’t, I would be crying all the time.” I knew exactly what she meant!

During my treatments, I found I had a lot more time to do nothing.  I’m not so good at doing nothing.  Books were really hard for me during chemo – I couldn’t seem to focus and would get very frustrated with myself.  Movies were a great blessing, but they had to be happy.  No sad movies please!  I thought I would share a few of my favorites.

This is my current favorite!

 

Leap Year 

The Wedding Date 

Two Weeks Notice

Miss Congeniality

The Proposal

Notting Hill

Wimbledon

RV

Julie and Julia

Oh my gosh, I almost forgot this one.  It is definitely one of my all time favorites.

The Holiday 

My Breast Cancer

Yesterday my sister suggested that I should tell you what type of breast cancer I have.  This can get a bit complicated, not because I mind sharing it with you, but because there are several different things that determine your type of breast cancer.

Most people, including myself at the start of it all, think breast cancer is breast cancer and just that.  Aa NO! There is location, size, grade, stage, bilateral or single breast, ER – positive/negative, PR – positive/negative, Her2 – positive/negative, node involvement, and I could be missing a few things (I’m pretty sure I am). 

The point is, each case is unique - breast cancer is not all the same. 

Who knew, right?

I should admit that even now, I find the pathology report to be a bit confusing.  I don’t want you to think that I consider myself an expert on any of this.  I would read and research as much as I could so that I could get a better understanding and know what I should talk to my oncologist about. Also I feel it important to tell you that my final report did not come back until after my surgery. 

So here goes, this is my official classification:  T3pN2M0, Stage IIIA, grade 2 IDC of the UOQ with 7 of 21 lymph nodes positive. I was ER/PR positive and Her2 negative.

I know lots of letters and numbers and needs translation.  I had Invasive Lobular Carcinoma and Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, Stage IIIA: T3, N2, M0: The tumor is larger than 5 cm across but does not grow into the chest wall or skin (T3). It has spread to 1 to 9 axillary nodes, or to internal mammary nodes (N1 or N2). The cancer hasn't spread to distant sites (M0). UOQ – upper outer quadrant.

“Invasive lobular carcinoma makes up a small portion of all breast cancers. The most common type of breast cancer begins in the breast ducts (ductal carcinoma). Some breast cancers contain both lobular and ductal cancer cells. Invasive lobular carcinoma typically doesn't form a lump, as most women expect with breast cancer. Instead, invasive lobular carcinoma more often causes a thickening of the tissue or fullness in one part of the breast.” Mayo’s website. 

There are still other types of breast cancer, these are just the two I had.  Here are a few links that better explain the different types.

Breast Cancer Types 

Invasive Lobular Carcinoma 

Invasive Ductal Carcinoma 

Self Exams, Mammograms, Ultrasound, & MRI

Early detection of breast cancer makes all the difference in the world.  Really!  The advancement in treatment is amazing, and the options available for successful outcomes are so much better with early detection.  Sadly, breast cancer in young women, women under 40, is very hard to detect because of the density of our breast tissue.  Often, as in my case, the cancer is not detected until it is at an advanced stage.

Breast cancer in women under 40 only makes up 5 – 7 % of the cases. So women under 40 often fall between the cracks.  Yearly mammograms aren’t suggested until the age of 40.  However, I must add that a mammogram for younger women is not the best tool for detection.  So having one earlier may not detect the cancer.  This is because the dense breast tissue appears as a white area – the same as a problem spot would.

My grandmother died of breast cancer at the age of 49, I never knew her, but it inspired me to be more diligent in checking myself.  I was very good at remembering to do breast self exams in the shower, and of course a clinical breast exam on my yearly physical.  Oddly enough I had felt my lump from time to time, but it would seem to come and go.  I had talked to my primary doctor about it, but she and I both concluded that it was fibroid cysts as my mother has.  Once my tumor was consistently noticeable to the touch, my doctor scheduled a mammogram followed by an ultrasound.  The ultrasound helped to get a better idea of the size and location.  My surgeon then sent me for an MRI to get an even better image.  The MRI gave a much clearer outline of the mass as well it showed a similar mass in the same location on my other breast.  This was the first time anything in my other breast had been detected.  It was not noticeable in the mammogram or ultrasound, and I could barely notice it myself even after I knew it was there.

Here again, knowledge is power!  Take an active role in early detection.  Below are a few links that go into great detail as to how and what you can do to be your own best advocate in breast health.

Breast Self Exam 

Breast Self Awareness - scroll to the bottom of page and click on "view the online BSA tool" for a very detailed video of a breast exam.

Mammograms Fact Sheet 

Emerging Areas in Early Detection

Cancer & Breasts

Somewhere in something I read early on said that you will have several versions of your story.  This is true.  As people ask how you are, your answers really do vary.  I tend to be fairly private so for me telling people about much of anything was hard.  You have your answers for those close to you and you have what I found lovingly referred to as “your Hollywood answer”. 

Be careful how much of yourself you put out there because people do not always respond the way you might think.  Cancer and breast are two words that evoke an array of feelings.  Let’s face it, when you hear the word cancer it is immediate fear associated with death.  Breasts – well with this word most people either blush or giggle.  Put them together and who knows what kind of response you may get. Truly I cannot begin to express the odd comments that I have heard – all with the best intentions.  

Luckily, I had an amazing support system of family and friends who encircled me and shielded me from much of the real world.  For them I am eternally grateful.

CaringBridge.org

When we found out about my cancer it was really hard to say the words out loud.  I had so many thoughts racing through my mind, and putting them together without falling apart was somewhat of a challenge.  For a short while we didn’t tell anyone.  It was important for us as a family to wrap our heads around what was happening, and that it was real. Once we were ready to tell our families and friends, we found it so hard to answer the same questions and tell the same stories.  My sister knew about a wonderful, free website – CaringBridge.org, this quickly became my favorite way of communicating.  It was easy to set up and very user friendly.

http://www.caringbridge.org/